Donkeys, Carrots, and Sticks - Excerpt From Give Them Grace

Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids With The Love of Jesus by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson is a GREAT book on gospel-centered parenting.  I can't recommend it enough, and boy!, don't I wish I had read it before my oldest was born.  Just to give you a taste, here is a story I often used when preaching.  CLICK HERE to purchase the book.

Donkeys, Carrots, and Sticks 

Everyone struggles with obedience no matter how old they are. Little children want to touch what Daddy has said no to; older children refuse to share their toys even though they know they should; teens sneak their cell phones out to text their friends when they should be studying; adults know they are commanded to love their neighbor but gossip about him anyway. No matter what our age or our maturity in Christ, everyone has a problem with sin, even the apostle Paul. He said, “I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing” (Rom. 7: 19).

Every parent also has a theory of training and motivation, an underlying belief of how to get kids to do what they want, whether it’s clearly stated or not. During the 1800s one theory based on promises of reward and threats of punishment was developed. Basically, this theory proposed that there were two ways to get a donkey to move a cart. First, you could dangle a carrot in front of the donkey, fooling the donkey into thinking that if he pulls the cart far enough, he’ll get to eat the carrot. The second is to prod the donkey along the road by hitting him with a stick. If the donkey is motivated by the ultimate reward of a carrot, the stick won’t be necessary, but if he’s not really all that interested in carrots, then the stick will be employed. Either way, through reward or through punishment, the cart driver gets what he wants. 

I learned this motivational paradigm when I taught in a Christian school in the 1970s and early 1980s. I remember a cartoon of a silly-looking donkey moseying down the road with a carrot dangling in front of his dim eyes and a farmer seated behind him with a whip. It seemed logical to me. Motivate the kids with a reward or motivate them with punishment; either way was fine, as long as they got down the road. 

I’m sorry to say that I carried this philosophy over into my home with my own children. When they behaved, they got to put beans in a jar to earn a trip to the ice cream shop. When they failed to behave, beans were removed. If one child disobeyed, the others suffered for it and would pressure the rebel to fall into line. I really believed that the carrots and the sticks were working well with my little donkeys. But there were several significant problems: my children weren’t donkeys; they were image-bearers of the incarnate God; I wasn’t ultimately in charge— he was— and, of course, we had completely overlooked the gospel. 

How would the gospel transform the motivational paradigm above? Quite simply, by turning the entire model on its head. Because both parents and children obstinately refuse to pull the cart of God’s glory down the road, the Father broke the stick of punishment on his obedient Son’s back. Rather than trying to entice us by dangling an unattainable carrot of perfect welcome and forgiveness incessantly in front of our faces, God the Father freely feeds the carrot to us, his enemies. He simply moves outside all our categories for reward and punishment, for human motivation, and gives us all the reward and takes upon himself all the punishment. He lavishes grace upon grace on us and bears in his own person all the wrath that we deserve. Then he tells us, in light of all that he’s done, “Obey.” 

Yes, we do have promises of rewards in heaven, but these are not earned by us through our merit. Yes, there are promises of punishment, but not for those who are “in Christ.” All our punishment has been borne by him. The carrot is ours. The stick is his. Manage them with beans in a jar if you must, but be sure to tell them that it isn’t the gospel. And perhaps, once in a while, just fill the jar up with beans and take everyone out for ice cream, and when your son asks you, “Daddy, why do we get ice cream? How did the jar get to be full?” you’ll know what to say, won’t you?

Fitzpatrick, Elyse M.; Thompson, Jessica. Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus (p. 107-108). Crossway. Kindle Edition.